Main Street, Texas

Main Street, Texas

By Kelly Kellerman

A hot, dry, summer afternoon in northern Texas, not far from the

New Mexico Border. The setting is a bar room with only the bartender, leaning on the bar reading a newspaper.

A cowboy walks in and approaches the bar.

Cowboy: It’s a hot one

Bartender: Yup

Cowboy: I guess this must be the Main Street Saloon?

Bartender: Nope

Cowboy: Is there a Main Street Saloon?

Bartender: Not in this town

Cowboy: Well, you seem to be the only saloon.

Bartender: That’s right we are the Only Saloon.

Cowboy: (Agitated) If you are the only saloon on Main St. in Main Street , Texas then you must be The Main Street Saloon !!

Bartender: You ain’t in Main Street , Texas.

Cowboy: (Bewildered) I just saw a sign that said “Welcome to Main Street, Texas”

Bartender: Wal’ then you must have come in on the other side of the street.

Cowboy: You mean Main Street, Texas is on one side of the street And this is a different town.

Bartender: That’s right.

Cowboy: (Very agitated) Would it be to much trouble to tell me the name of this town?

Bartender: I did tell you, This is Only.

Cowboy: And the Main Street Bar is in….

Bartender: Main Street.

Cowboy: I’ve wasted enough time . I’m supposed to meet my wife,

She works at the Main Street Bar.

Bartender: She ain’t there.

Cowboy: What do you mean she is not there?

Bartender: If you are looking for Chastity Smythe-Wychcombe

She Ain’t There!

Cowboy: How do you know that?

Bartender: This is Tuesday.

Cowboy: Where is she on Tuesday?

Bartender: You leaving?

Cowboy: As soon as you tell me where she is.

Bartender: You ain’t paid your dollar cover charge yet.

Cowboy: (About to explode) COVER CHARGE? FOR WHAT?

Bartender: The music.

Cowboy: There is no music!

Bartender: You aint paid your dollar

Cowboy: (Throws dollar on bar. Piano player starts to play)

Bartender: You look like you need a drink. If you buy a drink you don’t have to pay no cover.

Cowboy: Give me a green mint stinger.

Bartender: No green mint.

Cowboy: Strawberry Daiquiri.

Bartender: No Strawberries.

Cowboy: That sign over your bar says you have anything I want.

Bartender: I do as long as you want whiskey.

Cowboy: (Resigned) Give me a whiskey

Bartender: ( Complete change of character) Yes Sir! Coming right up. Where you from stranger?

Cowboy: I just left Bad Luck, New Mexico

Bartender: Not to many people leave Bad Luck that are still able to talk about it.

Cowboy: I just got up early one morning and left.

Bartender: That must have been hard.

Cowboy: Leaving?

Bartender: Nah…. Getting up early.

Cowboy: Are you going to tell me about Chastity?

Bartender: I need to see some identification.

Cowboy hands bartender card.

Bartender: Nice card

Cowboy: 100% vellum.

Bartender: ( reading card) Chauncey Smythe- Wychecomb.

Gunslinger, Cattle Rustler, Poet… I wouldn’t show this card around if I were you.

Cowboy: ( Takes ’tough guy ’ pose) They don’t like gunslingers and cattle rustlers, eh?

Bartender: About 49% don’t like gunslingers and 49% don’t like

Cattle rustlers.

Cowboy: I suppose the other two pecent don’t like poets?

Bartender: They don’t like vellum.

Cowboy: Where is Chastity?

Bartender: On Tuesday she’s at the Other Saloon…..

Cowboy: I suppose that is in Other, Texas?

Bartender: There ain’t no Other, Texas.

Cowboy: Then where is it?

Bartender: Other, New Mexico

Cowboy: How far is that?

Bartender: The other end of the bar.

Cowboy: And the Other Saloon is…?

Bartender: At the other end of the bar.

Cowboy: (Walks to other end of bar) Well where is she?

Bartender: I could have saved you the trip. She took the day off.

Cowboy: Do you know where she is?

Bartender: Down at the whore house. They are celebrating “Better Days” and they needed her to help out.

Cowboy: ( Outraged) Are you telling me that my wife is a prostitute?

Bartender: Of course not. She is a substitute. She only works there on weekends.