Main Street, Texas
By Kelly Kellerman
A hot, dry, summer afternoon in northern Texas, not far from the
New Mexico Border. The setting is a bar room with only the bartender, leaning on the bar reading a newspaper.
A cowboy walks in and approaches the bar.
Cowboy: It’s a hot one
Bartender: Yup
Cowboy: I guess this must be the Main Street Saloon?
Bartender: Nope
Cowboy: Is there a Main Street Saloon?
Bartender: Not in this town
Cowboy: Well, you seem to be the only saloon.
Bartender: That’s right we are the Only Saloon.
Cowboy: (Agitated) If you are the only saloon on Main St. in Main Street , Texas then you must be The Main Street Saloon !!
Bartender: You ain’t in Main Street , Texas.
Cowboy: (Bewildered) I just saw a sign that said “Welcome to Main Street, Texas”
Bartender: Wal’ then you must have come in on the other side of the street.
Cowboy: You mean Main Street, Texas is on one side of the street And this is a different town.
Bartender: That’s right.
Cowboy: (Very agitated) Would it be to much trouble to tell me the name of this town?
Bartender: I did tell you, This is Only.
Cowboy: And the Main Street Bar is in….
Bartender: Main Street.
Cowboy: I’ve wasted enough time . I’m supposed to meet my wife,
She works at the Main Street Bar.
Bartender: She ain’t there.
Cowboy: What do you mean she is not there?
Bartender: If you are looking for Chastity Smythe-Wychcombe
She Ain’t There!
Cowboy: How do you know that?
Bartender: This is Tuesday.
Cowboy: Where is she on Tuesday?
Bartender: You leaving?
Cowboy: As soon as you tell me where she is.
Bartender: You ain’t paid your dollar cover charge yet.
Cowboy: (About to explode) COVER CHARGE? FOR WHAT?
Bartender: The music.
Cowboy: There is no music!
Bartender: You aint paid your dollar
Cowboy: (Throws dollar on bar. Piano player starts to play)
Bartender: You look like you need a drink. If you buy a drink you don’t have to pay no cover.
Cowboy: Give me a green mint stinger.
Bartender: No green mint.
Cowboy: Strawberry Daiquiri.
Bartender: No Strawberries.
Cowboy: That sign over your bar says you have anything I want.
Bartender: I do as long as you want whiskey.
Cowboy: (Resigned) Give me a whiskey
Bartender: ( Complete change of character) Yes Sir! Coming right up. Where you from stranger?
Cowboy: I just left Bad Luck, New Mexico
Bartender: Not to many people leave Bad Luck that are still able to talk about it.
Cowboy: I just got up early one morning and left.
Bartender: That must have been hard.
Cowboy: Leaving?
Bartender: Nah…. Getting up early.
Cowboy: Are you going to tell me about Chastity?
Bartender: I need to see some identification.
Cowboy hands bartender card.
Bartender: Nice card
Cowboy: 100% vellum.
Bartender: ( reading card) Chauncey Smythe- Wychecomb.
Gunslinger, Cattle Rustler, Poet… I wouldn’t show this card around if I were you.
Cowboy: ( Takes ’tough guy ’ pose) They don’t like gunslingers and cattle rustlers, eh?
Bartender: About 49% don’t like gunslingers and 49% don’t like
Cattle rustlers.
Cowboy: I suppose the other two pecent don’t like poets?
Bartender: They don’t like vellum.
Cowboy: Where is Chastity?
Bartender: On Tuesday she’s at the Other Saloon…..
Cowboy: I suppose that is in Other, Texas?
Bartender: There ain’t no Other, Texas.
Cowboy: Then where is it?
Bartender: Other, New Mexico
Cowboy: How far is that?
Bartender: The other end of the bar.
Cowboy: And the Other Saloon is…?
Bartender: At the other end of the bar.
Cowboy: (Walks to other end of bar) Well where is she?
Bartender: I could have saved you the trip. She took the day off.
Cowboy: Do you know where she is?
Bartender: Down at the whore house. They are celebrating “Better Days” and they needed her to help out.
Cowboy: ( Outraged) Are you telling me that my wife is a prostitute?
Bartender: Of course not. She is a substitute. She only works there on weekends.
