Say You Love Me

By Kelly Kellerman

It makes no difference to me

If it is on the TV

Or on the radio.

What does it mean

When the headlines scream

I really, really, really, really

Don't want to know

I get your friends on the phone

They want to get me alone

And tell me what you say

Well, things are getting hazy,

They're going to drive me crazy

There has to be a better, I mean much better

I mean a better way

I won't believe that it's true

Until I hear it from you

Come on, make my day

Out in a crowd

you can shout it out loud

If we are alone

you can whisper a poem

Out to Sea,

Up a tree

Wherever you want to be

I want to meet face to face,

any time any place

in a good old fashion way

How hard is it to say

That

You Love Me

Main Street, Texas

Main Street, Texas

By Kelly Kellerman

A hot, dry, summer afternoon in northern Texas, not far from the

New Mexico Border. The setting is a bar room with only the bartender, leaning on the bar reading a newspaper.

A cowboy walks in and approaches the bar.

Cowboy: It’s a hot one

Bartender: Yup

Cowboy: I guess this must be the Main Street Saloon?

Bartender: Nope

Cowboy: Is there a Main Street Saloon?

Bartender: Not in this town

Cowboy: Well, you seem to be the only saloon.

Bartender: That’s right we are the Only Saloon.

Cowboy: (Agitated) If you are the only saloon on Main St. in Main Street , Texas then you must be The Main Street Saloon !!

Bartender: You ain’t in Main Street , Texas.

Cowboy: (Bewildered) I just saw a sign that said “Welcome to Main Street, Texas”

Bartender: Wal’ then you must have come in on the other side of the street.

Cowboy: You mean Main Street, Texas is on one side of the street And this is a different town.

Bartender: That’s right.

Cowboy: (Very agitated) Would it be to much trouble to tell me the name of this town?

Bartender: I did tell you, This is Only.

Cowboy: And the Main Street Bar is in….

Bartender: Main Street.

Cowboy: I’ve wasted enough time . I’m supposed to meet my wife,

She works at the Main Street Bar.

Bartender: She ain’t there.

Cowboy: What do you mean she is not there?

Bartender: If you are looking for Chastity Smythe-Wychcombe

She Ain’t There!

Cowboy: How do you know that?

Bartender: This is Tuesday.

Cowboy: Where is she on Tuesday?

Bartender: You leaving?

Cowboy: As soon as you tell me where she is.

Bartender: You ain’t paid your dollar cover charge yet.

Cowboy: (About to explode) COVER CHARGE? FOR WHAT?

Bartender: The music.

Cowboy: There is no music!

Bartender: You aint paid your dollar

Cowboy: (Throws dollar on bar. Piano player starts to play)

Bartender: You look like you need a drink. If you buy a drink you don’t have to pay no cover.

Cowboy: Give me a green mint stinger.

Bartender: No green mint.

Cowboy: Strawberry Daiquiri.

Bartender: No Strawberries.

Cowboy: That sign over your bar says you have anything I want.

Bartender: I do as long as you want whiskey.

Cowboy: (Resigned) Give me a whiskey

Bartender: ( Complete change of character) Yes Sir! Coming right up. Where you from stranger?

Cowboy: I just left Bad Luck, New Mexico

Bartender: Not to many people leave Bad Luck that are still able to talk about it.

Cowboy: I just got up early one morning and left.

Bartender: That must have been hard.

Cowboy: Leaving?

Bartender: Nah…. Getting up early.

Cowboy: Are you going to tell me about Chastity?

Bartender: I need to see some identification.

Cowboy hands bartender card.

Bartender: Nice card

Cowboy: 100% vellum.

Bartender: ( reading card) Chauncey Smythe- Wychecomb.

Gunslinger, Cattle Rustler, Poet… I wouldn’t show this card around if I were you.

Cowboy: ( Takes ’tough guy ’ pose) They don’t like gunslingers and cattle rustlers, eh?

Bartender: About 49% don’t like gunslingers and 49% don’t like

Cattle rustlers.

Cowboy: I suppose the other two pecent don’t like poets?

Bartender: They don’t like vellum.

Cowboy: Where is Chastity?

Bartender: On Tuesday she’s at the Other Saloon…..

Cowboy: I suppose that is in Other, Texas?

Bartender: There ain’t no Other, Texas.

Cowboy: Then where is it?

Bartender: Other, New Mexico

Cowboy: How far is that?

Bartender: The other end of the bar.

Cowboy: And the Other Saloon is…?

Bartender: At the other end of the bar.

Cowboy: (Walks to other end of bar) Well where is she?

Bartender: I could have saved you the trip. She took the day off.

Cowboy: Do you know where she is?

Bartender: Down at the whore house. They are celebrating “Better Days” and they needed her to help out.

Cowboy: ( Outraged) Are you telling me that my wife is a prostitute?

Bartender: Of course not. She is a substitute. She only works there on weekends.

A new play.

A Major Affair

By Kelly Kellerman

SCENE: Three women are sitting at a table in a cocktail lounge.

It is late afternoon and the “girls” have had more than one cocktail

And are discussing their friend who is late arriving.

Sheila: I’m telling you there is something peculiar going on with Dot.

Louise: Yeah, I think so too. She seems so happy.

Alice: You know what that means don’t you?

Louise: Oh no. Not Dot!

Sheila: She is showing all the signs.

Alice: I mean it seems kind of odd. You two maybe, but not Dot

Shelia: What do you mean we two? I am a very happily married woman.

Louise: Yeah, me too.

Alice: You know what I mean, Dot is so quiet. Who would suspect.

Shelia: God, I’m dying to know.

Louise: How can we find out?

Alice: We could ask her.

Louise: If she Wanted us to know wouldn’t she have told us by now.

Shelia: What if it is one of our husbands?

Alice: You think. Harry has been working late ,a lot!

Louise: I wouldn’t put it past Jack but Dot doesn’t seem his type.

Shelia: What do you mean?

Louise: He likes them tall, young and big busted.

Alice: I thought you said you were happily married?

Louise: Yeah, except for that.

Shelia: It’s not Bill, I have a hard time getting him off the couch

To come eat.

Alice: I have to know what is going on with Dot. Whatever it is, I could use a little.

Louise: You mean you would have an affair.

Alice: Why not? Things are pretty dull around my house.

Sheila: I don’t think Bill would notice.

Louise: In my case it would only be fair.

Alice: I don’t know how to get started.

Louise and Sheila: (together) Me either .

Shelia: It has been a long time since I was with another man.

Louise: I was never with another man.

Alice: Here comes Dot. I am going to ask her.

Louise: Hi Dot, Alice: Where you been?, Shelia: You smell good.

Dot: I was over at Macy’s I needed some new underwear and I was sampling perfumes.

Alice: New underwear?

Dot: My stuff is all so plain, I jazzed it up a little bit.

Louise: Is there something your not telling us?

Shelia: Yeah, why are you so happy?

Alice: We want to know if you are having an affair?

Dot: It sure took you guys long enough to figure it out.

All three women scream and all start to talk at once

When do you have time?, Anybody we know?, For how long?

Dot : One at a time. I need a drink (Orders drink)

Louise: Dot, come on tell us!

Dot: Well it happens every Friday night, when Ed goes to his poker game.

Alice: Where do you go?

Sheila: Who with?

Dot: I don’t go anywhere. They come there.

Shelia: (Shocked) More than one?

Louise: I don’t understand

Dot: Well it is very simple. Friday nights I put on my best perfume, slip on my peignoir, I turn the lights down low, light some candles

pour some wine and get into my hot tub.

Alice: That all sounds very nice but why do you call it an affair?

Shelia: We all got hot tubs. Whats so special about yours?

Dot: in my hot tub is where I meet, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford and PAUL NEWMAN.

Louise: Paul Newman is dead!

Dot: Believe me: when he is in MY hot tub, he ain’t dead!

End

Great Scott

I recently entered this limerick in a contest at www.lemondrop.com hopefuly to win a copy of Diana Gabalans new book. I think it's funny,but then I would wouldn't I? It is not quite up to Ogden Nash standards but I try.

Great Scott

There once was a Scottsman named Milt

Who walked on the hills at a tilt

The lassies remarked on his built

When the wind raised the skirts of his kilt.

In a different vein. This was intended to be song lyric but unfortunately ( or perhaps fortunately) I have no talents that include musical insturments so ,I guess, this is another poem.

We Were Dancing

We were dancing, barely moving, keeping time.

Your head was on my shoulder, your face was next to mine.

We were dancing when you smiled at me, you didn't say a word

But when are lips brushed tenderly,' I love you' is what I heard.

We were dancing when the whole world changed for me.

Your kiss had set my soul on fire, your lips spoke poetry.

We were dancing when we should have left the floor

We were dancing,lost in time forever more

We were dancing to the music of the mind,

We were dancing,barely moving,keeping time.

Thats aaaaaaaaaaaall folks. 'Till next time

All About Me

The birds start to sing when I walk down the street.

I get a big smile from every one that I meet.

I have more awards than anyone that I know,

The Kennel Club even gave me best in show.

The Oscar, the Emmy, the Life Acheivment Award .

I've been Man of the Year, I'm never board

When Hollywood calls I can put them on hold

I do what I want I don't have to be told

I'm on top of the world, I feel tall as a tree.

There is never enough, It's All About Me

Producers and directors are standing in row

They say without me they can't go on with the show.

Writing plays just for me is becoming a thing,

There must be 10,000 songs that they want me to sing

What they do't know; I would do it for free.

It's not about money. It's All About Me!

My Pets

Another Day,another poem.I will continue to post one a day untill I fet most of my previous poems on this blog. I say most because some even I don't like. I have a few though that I would like to share.Comments are welcome.

MY PETS

My Cats a Cat and that is that

My Dog I do adore

My Trumpet Swan, a paragon

My Pig an awful boar

My Snail and Whale

Who share a pail, are both quite Avant-Garde

My Elephant,

A sycophant

My Owl ,severe retard

My Ring-Dang-Do lives in my head

He sleeps all day beneath my bed

He is never here when I’m alone

He hangs around when I am not home

Some say he makes a perfect pet

Although no one has seen him yet

Kicking and Screaming by Kelly Kellerman

I'm an old fart, That is coming apart, and not just at the seams,it seems.

I walk with a hitch,My sight has a glitch,And my hearing is much less,Than keen.

When I get out of my chair,I seldom know where,I'm going nor do I,Know why.

So I head for the john,where arrival upon, if I don't have to go I, can try.

This is seldom a test, It's what I do best, Day and night 'round the clock, Never dry.

When my dr. suggests, I have one more test, I think to myself whats the , The point.

Will I be more aware, Of losing my hair, Or will it show that I need a, New Joint.

Whatever's decreed, I'm going to seed, It's all just a matter, Of time.

But untill that suns finaly set, You can make a sure bet, The kicking and screaming, Is mine.